• Before posting anything about the COVID-19 virus, please read this first Click Here

The Bi-National - Transcending myths of monogamy and monosexuality - What it's like for the ladies

Antóin Mac Comháin

Deported
PI Member
Joined
Mar 15, 2017
Messages
2,193
Likes
1,006
Location
Ireland
Dating a bisexual man is still a taboo - but research suggests that they can be better lovers, fathers and partners

Thanks to years of hard work by LGBT activists, people in certain corners of the world feel more comfortable about coming out than ever before. A recent survey found that 43 percent of 18 to 24-year-olds don’t identify as gay or straight; while another piece of research has suggested that women are never heterosexual, only gay or bisexual. And yet, dating a man who identifies as bisexual remains a taboo. A few taps of Google drags up countless pieces dissecting the question ‘would you date a bisexual guy?’

A survey by Glamour magazine found that almost two-thirds of women “wouldn't date a man who has had sex with another man.”

But by seeing bisexuality as a deal-breaker, heterosexual women might not only be unwittingly dodging perfectly decent partners, but the best. Research has found that men who are bisexual - and feel comfortable being out - are better in bed - and the relationship develops - more caring long-term partners and fathers. Some women who took part in an Australian study even said they would never be able to go back to dating straight men at all. It turned out that straight men were the ones with more emotional and misogynistic baggage.

This is partly due to the fact that as these men tried to understand their sexuality, they also questioned the most negative aspects of masculine character traits: including aggression. They also were less likely to value unequal and traditional gender roles, according to Dr Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli, Senior Lecturer in Social Diversity in Health and Education at Deakin University and the co-author of the book Women in Relationships with Bisexual Men. To make their findings, she and researcher Sara Lubowitz studied 79 Australian women who had been with bisexual men.

“Their partners had had to question their masculinity and sexuality,” Dr Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli tells The Independent. “Because of this, these men were far more sensitive and desired to establish an equitable relationship. They were far more respectful. They were keen fathers and wanted to set up equitable gender relationships in the home. Additionally, the men were far more aware of sexual diversity and desire, so these men were more willing to engage in less heteronormative sexual acts, such as liking anal penetration by their women partners. They were also up to explore novel sexual acts. Many women found themselves exploring BDSM, polyamory, and were themselves encouraged to explore same-sex relationships.

"We had some women who said that after dating a bi man, they could never go back to dating a straight man."

Despite these findings, says Dr Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli, such pairings are little understood, both academically and among the public.

Society, the media, counselling services, and schools tend to 'erase' their relationships by grouping bisexuality within the gay or straight binary; or forget altogether that bisexual men and their partners are of all ages, ethnicities, countries, classes, she explains.

She adds: “In most films, bisexual men have either been killed, suicided, or been killers. And been the HIV carriers into the straight world. Very few films, and only recently has film begun to explore polyamory and bisexuality, and women in relationships with bisexual men, in a more positive and varied light."

However, it would be a mistake to paint relationships between bisexual men and women as black and white utopias. When the men did not feel comfortable coming out, misogyny and violence continued to be issues. This was generally a response to “incredible stigmatisation, marginalisation, and discrimination for their bisexuality,” says Dr Pallotta-Chiarolli.

“One example was of a man who basically married his female partner to cover his same-sex attractions,” says Dr Pallotta-Chiarolli. “He did, however, go overseas and brought his male partner back. He threatened her not to say anything to their religious and ethnic community, and she basically became their housekeeper and for the mother of his children.”

Some couples found that while their relationship was stable, that they struggled to find acceptance in others.

“Some bi men and their partners felt they no longer belonged and were discriminated against by gay men and lesbians. Some women who had been loved by gay men were now hearing comments like, ‘You’d better lock your boyfriends away, the female predator is here’,” says Dr Pallotta-Chiarolli.

Dr Pallotta-Chiarolli and her co-author Sara Lubowitz hope that their research will help people reconsider what they think they know about bisexuality, and approaching their own relationships with more openness regardless of their sexual orientation.

“You don’t have to go into a relationship with silly, heteronormative assumptions,” she says. “You go in and design the relationship for yourselves. What are the rules? Where do we have sex? Is the bedroom a sacred space or can others come into bed with us? Is it a ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ policy? Are we going to do gendered monogamy - meaning the man could only date other men and the woman other women? Do I have veto power? How are we dealing with STIs? Bisexual men were more open to designing a relationship that works for them, rather than a straight man who would come in with certain assumptions of what that relationship should be.

She adds: "You always end up getting more than what normative society sets as what a relationship should be.”- What it's like for women to date bisexual men | The Independent

Bisexuality and open relationships: transcending myths of monogamy and monosexuality

When it comes to sex and romance, the most commonly touted Holy Grail is to find “The One”. Implicit in that ideal is not only one partner but also one sexual orientation.

What if, however, the dream includes more than one partner? And intimacy with more than one gender?

Bi, Hung, Fit... and Married

That’s something Vancouverite Mark Bentley Cohen explored with his wife, Lianna Walden, and he shares what they discovered in his self-published creative-nonfiction book Confessions of a Bisexual Husband, in his one-man show Bi, Hung, Fit…and Married, as a workshop facilitator and counsellor, and as a bisexual-support-group leader.

Mark and Lianna talk about their open relationship

Once Cohen did come out as bisexual to Walden, he wanted to continue having sex with men but didn’t want to leave his wife.

“Now that I was out as bisexual and was able to explore my sexuality, the need to leave her was no longer there,” he explains. “This need to leave and desire to be on my own was really a need to just authentically express myself, which didn’t have to preclude her.”

Since opening up their relationship, he hasn’t explored much sexually with other women on his own (they have had threesomes and foursomes), as he feels emotionally and sexually satisfied with his wife. It did take Walden some time to explore sex with other men independently of him. Once she did, he felt it alleviated pressure in the relationship, evened out the playing field between the two, and deepened their bond with each other.

“There’s something unbelievably loving and intimate about a partner saying to another partner, ‘I love you and I want you to be happy, and if you would like to pursue something with this other person, then I would like you to have that too because I want you to be happy, and if that’s gonna make you happy, then I’m happy.’ ” - Bisexuality and open relationships: transcending myths of monogamy ...
 

Tadhg Gaelach

Donator
PI Member
Joined
Jan 14, 2016
Messages
59,811
Likes
55,518
Location
By the Gulag wall.
A recent survey found that 43 percent of 18 to 24-year-olds don’t identify as gay or straight

This is the inevitable result of the constant targeting of children with homosexual propaganda. Disney featured a homosexual kiss in its latest feature film, Beauty and the Beast. We even have a book on sale in Ireland targeting the under fives with with a transexual teddy bear.
 

Ire-land

Donator
PI Member
Joined
Feb 22, 2017
Messages
4,732
Likes
6,780
Location
Doubling
Sex education should be left until secondary school, and is necessary, in case you are targeted in the bedroom in later life.
I had sex education by Angela McNamara when I was in primary school. I can't say it helped or hurt in any way for sure, but I still remember how funny it was to hear our hard nosed principal spell 'masturbation'- it was the number 1 question/fear. Maybe that was valuable in and of itself- we're all human, etc.
 
  • Thread starter
  • Thread Starter
  • #8
OP
Antóin Mac Comháin

Antóin Mac Comháin

Deported
PI Member
Joined
Mar 15, 2017
Messages
2,193
Likes
1,006
Location
Ireland
I had sex education by Angela McNamara when I was in primary school. I can't say it helped or hurt in any way for sure, but I still remember how funny it was to hear our hard nosed principal spell 'masturbation'- it was the number 1 question/fear. Maybe that was valuable in and of itself- we're all human, etc.
I can't remember my sex education, but I know it didn't prepare me for life, or at least the life experience I had. My ex-partner was bi, and she married a man, after we went our separate ways, but her sexuality had nothing got to do with the reasons we split up. I had a child and she had children and we lived in different countries, but we remained friends.
 
Top Bottom