Deadpan Jokes

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#1
Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.

Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk properly again.


Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.


A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.


Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.


What do you call a cat with no tail?

A Manx cat.


Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.


How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

One.


Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.


Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'

The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'


What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

Being raped.



Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.



Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.


I found some of them funny anyway.
 

Madam

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#2
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator." Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?" "And so, here we are!"



The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”


A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
 
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#3
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
I was engaged for 15 years to my 1st wife, and we got divorced after two weeks.. :)
 

Tadhg Gaelach

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#4
A man knocks on his neighbours door, the wife answers.
Ah, Mrs. Jones, is Jack in?
Through tears she answers - Jack passed away this afternoon.
Oh, I'm sorry, he didn't say anything about a can of paint did he?
 

radioledger

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#5
What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.?

E.T. eventually went home!
 

Dedogs

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#6
so anyway murphy is killed when a wall falls on him on the buildin site and the foreman asks the lads which of them will tell his missus... no bother says kelly im your man.... fair enough says the foreman only break it to the poor woman easy.... they head round to murphys house and kelly knocks the door... a woman opens it it and kelly says are you the widow murphy???? no im not she says... so kelly says,,,, wait till you see what we have in the van....
 
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